2015 Testimony | Grace Zhao
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Grace Zhao (15 years old, 10th grade)
I am only fifteen, but I am beyond blessed to knowthe Lord so early on, and this past year just goes to show the significance of His presence in my life. The greatest thing that happened to me in 2015 was that God broke me down and began to rebuild me on the sturdy foundation that only Jesus Christ can provide.
In January of 2015, I was a freshman in high school just about to take her first midterms, connecting with God maybe once a week for about ten minutes during sermon, and absolutely swamped in the social (and boy) drama of ninth grade. Despite the habit I had somewhat formed in previous years to read my Bible every night and reflect, I found it dwindling off shortly after the start of the academic year. My spiritual life continued to deteriorate, and by August of 2015, I had allowed myself to neglect the voice of God and to bend His words to my will, and, as a result, I had hurt someone who did not deserve to be abandoned, pursued a relationship that was not from God, and wasted almost a year’s worth of my life being nothing but the “church-going Christian” and meanwhile being completely immersed in this world.
Naturally, it was time for the wake up call. At the annual NECCC (New England Chinese Church Conference) retreat that I have attended many times before, I was given the opportunity to both lead worship and co-lead a small group for middle school girls. During one of the sermons, the pastor compared the Sea of Galilee to the Dead Sea, the former filled with life because of theconstant flow of water in both directions while the latter is simply dead due to water only flowing into it and not out. Within the three days of the retreat, the “Dead Sea” within me was washed away as my Heavenly Father poured into me, a side effect of my giving and giving, my schedule overbooked between meeting with my small group girlsand rehearsing for worship. Looking back on it, I see that no matter how much I give, the Lord will always fill my cup and be my portion and strength.
After that pivotal weekend, there was a constant stream of cleansing waters within me; I began to take more seriously the time I spent nightly with the Lord, reading His word and Bible journaling for often times over a half hour. Along with time spent alone with God, He also instructed me to look to my mother as a spiritual mentor and called me to begin ministering to middle school kids in a Bible study that my mom and I run together, blessing me with fellowship between my ownPaul and Timothy figures. I’ve been so lucky to have the opportunity to pour into these wonderful children, and I have learned to minister to them simply by loving them and being a friend, teacher, playmate, or even perhaps a spiritual “da jie jie.” I often feel unqualified to lead these children, but I have been told specifically to lead by brokenness and repentance, and I find comfort in knowing that anything these children may look up to me for is simply a reflection of Jesus’ greater love and goodness.
If only my life had been just that perfect; yes, it was true that after retreat, things began to fall into place, but something the pastor prayed for me still haunted me: the prayer for brokenness. It was frightening to ask God to break me down, and all the more terrifying when itactually happened in God’s most glorious ways. Through a sequence of events where I thought my climb was near completion, my foothold was ripped out from beneath me, and I free fell to the most rock bottom state I have ever been in. During that time, I tried in vain to piece my lifeback together; I knew that this vulnerability was a crucial moment in my walk with God and that if I broke now, I would fall away farther than ever. But, as I floundered in the pit of quicksand known as life, I only sank faster. I turned to old sins that God had long since ridded from me, and my Bible reading habits had once again started to falter. But, this time, an urgent fear of relapsing to my past darkness stopped me from turning away completely.
Just recently, there came a distinct moment when I decided I’d had enough of being broken. I hungered forGod to rebuild my life. I set apart some time to read the Word and grew frustrated during my prayer of repentance; as opposed to breaking down in confession, I sat only in quietness and peace. Confused, I dove into scripture, and the words that God spoke to me were not of comfort or forgiveness; He knew I already understoodthat. Instead, He presented me with the next step as if He were saying: “Grace, I’ve moved on. Stop wallowing in the past and don’t worry about the future; have faith that it’s all in my hands. Now, here’s what I have in store for you.” I was shocked by the simplicity. My past experiences made it seem like I had to suffer from some horrible guilt and be in tears in order to be forgiven. God has shown me that I shouldn’t have to endure thatanguish— because Jesus already has. The burdens of remorse that I thought I had to bear had already been taken from me. It’s too easy, and it’s not fair; it’s the epitome of my namesake that I will never be able to get over.
Through all my journeys with God this past year, He has drawn me back to Him and changed me from the inside out. With my fifteenth year over, I can’t help but feel that my time with God has only just begun; I am forever His broken vessel and work in progress now founded firmly in the blood of our Savior and King.
