中文翻译: 西西    微信号: tracytang949

How to prevent Youth Mental Problems before and after s/he goes to college 

西西

“麻省理工学院的大一新生，上周四晚在佛罗里达州她的家中死亡。米汤校园官员宣布，在过去一年中，是这所大学第八位死亡学生。”

http://tech.mit.edu/V135/N5/nehring.html

https://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/2015/03/06/mit-freshman-dies-eighth-death-school-community-last-year/P3DueFWGsMXXRdnskOTuIM/story.html
 

Stephen

听到最近麻省理工学院的自杀事件， 我很悲伤。每个生命都很宝贵， 非常难过又一个生命消失！

西西

我注意到，麻省理工学院过去一年中，有八人死亡，令我震惊。我相信能进入MIT的孩子都是最聪明，而且全面发展的天之骄子。为什么会是他们自杀？你认为问题发生在进入大学之前，还是之后？

Stephen

自杀的原因很多。我们不知道每个死者的具体情况。但是一般来说，大学之前，期间，之后，都有问题。

西西

我们，作为父母，在孩子上大学之前能帮助他们做点什么？

Stephen

我们之前已经聊过以理解支持为理念的育儿方式，今天我想特别强调, 除了关心孩子的身体健康和学业成就之外， 还要关注孩子的心理健康。

在孩子婴幼儿时期，父母就要鼓励孩子表达他/她的思想和情感；心理学家认为孩子教育从出生前就开始了。孩子还在妈妈肚子里，我们就可以对他们说话，阅读，唱歌。

西西
亲子关系从胎儿时期就开始了。亲密关系越小越容易建立。

Stephen

是的，随着孩子长大，我们要继续保持良好互动的亲子关系，同时帮助我们的孩子建立良好的沟通技巧，我们问他们问题，要求他们说出自己的想法，倾听他们的想法，用实际行动给孩子树立一个好榜样。

西西
与父母关系良好，孩子们会受益一生。

Stephen

当然，孩子与父母的良好关系，将为孩子与他们的朋友，同事，未来的配偶，以及他们自己的孩子的关系，奠定一个坚实的基础。

多与孩子花的时间是明智的，除了教他们东西， 也要与他们一起玩。

要欣赏和赞美他们的成就，同时也要肯定他/她所做的努力，他/她的态度，和整个奋斗过程。孩子的每一点进步都值得庆祝。

我还建议父母不要替他们解决问题， 要让他们在我们眼皮底下，尝试自己解决问题，而我们只做指导…

西西

父母代替不了。只有孩子自己经历的东西，才是属于他们的。

Stephen

是的，经验是我们最好的老师。让孩子体验生活（例如，解决问题，交朋友，保持友谊，等）。

西西

不仅要有成功的经验，也应该在年轻的时候，体验失败的经验。

Stephen

是的，知道如何独立处理挫折，失败，管理自己的情绪至关重要。这是情商的一部分。

这是有道理的，因为生活总是有上有下，有成功也有失败。事实上，史葛派克，一个著名的精神病学家，曾经说过，“人活着不容易。”如果我们接受这个事实，反而感觉生活不再那么困难，这是由于我们的期望值和对事物的感觉变了。

西西

但很多时候，父母希望孩子一直成功，不断向更高的目标前进。

Stephen
是这么回事，父母都是希望他们的孩子最好，永远成功；但是他们没有认识到，孩子们因此可能失去了学习跌倒之后再爬起来的机会， 或者学会接受真实的自己，不为自己的不完美而烦恼。

什么叫成功？许多的成功取决于你自己的世界观。有人将成功定义为物质或者财务的成功，但实际上，财务上的成功并不必然带来健康和快乐。对很多家长来说，去常春藤联盟的学校是走向成功的唯一道路。但他们可能忽略的一点…

各个中学的高才生，进入常春藤联盟的学校后，如果学业压力巨大，无法保持优秀的考试成绩，甚至无法毕业，你可以想像他们的挫败感有多大。

西西

如果他们情商又不够，不能接受失败，挫折和不完美；不会交朋友；也不会通过体育，娱乐活动帮自己减压;  再碰到意外事件，个人感情出问题等；后果可能是灾难性的。

所以你认为选择一个适合你的孩子的大学，比去排名最高的大学，对孩子更重要，对吗？

Stephen

是的，找一所适合你孩子的学校是明智的选择。参观学校，与教授、现任和前任学生交谈，会帮助你判断这所学校是不是你的孩子理想大学。换句话说，千方百计，弄清楚这所大学是否适合你的孩子，她/他是否会在这里如鱼得水，感到舒服，喜欢这里？

西西

请注意，确保它适合孩子他/她自己，而不是实现父母的梦想。

Stephen
是的。记得最近我们这个群里的一个视频，提到“宁可做一个小池塘里的大鱼，也不做大池塘里的小鱼”， 这是聪明的选择。因为后者会影响年轻人的自信。我知道有几个人去了一所顶尖大学， 学业跟不上，自信心完全粉碎。终于完成他们的第一个学位之后，再也不要继续读书，做研究。

西西

选择一所合适的大学，对家长和孩子来说，都是一项艰巨的任务。一些孩子知道喜欢哪所大学，选什么专业，有些孩子就是不知道。

Stephen

的确存在个体差异。高中学校的辅导员可以帮助一些，但有些孩子需要花更长的时间去发现他们的兴趣和爱好。耐心支持这样的孩子。鼓励他们尝试不同的东西，去发现自己（例如，了解自己的个性，喜好，等等），以及他们的职业兴趣和才能。

另一个有用的方法，是与在这个领域工作的人交流（例如，工程，医疗保健领域，等），了解他们的日常工作和挑战等。更好的方法是，跟随在该领域工作的人们几天或几周或整个学期，到公司体验一下他们的实际工作，获得第一手资料。

有些高中学校要求毕业实习；如果学校不要求，参加暑期实习，自己去了解在美国的工作环境。

西西

我们中国有类似的说法：“宁为鸡头，不为风尾”。但是我们通常不会使用这个原则来选择大学。

Stephen

是的，我们在实际应用中并不使用它，因为我们面临太多的文化和同侪的压力：一定要确保我们的孩子成功！！！但是，请重新思考我们所知道的和我们所做的，做出更加明智地选择，这可能彻底改变孩子的一生。

西西
你认为这样做，会减少孩子学习工作机会吗？会影响他们的前途吗？ 毕竟常春藤联盟的学校有最好的老师， 最好的设施，最好的研究气氛，最好的同学同事。。。

Stephen

不是这样的，一辈子的成功并不仅仅取决于你是哪个学校毕业的，还需要许多其他的因素，如努力工作，坚持不懈，与人沟通，团队合作，和社交技巧，等等。

如果你的孩子选对了大学，他/她的大学几年将不再是凑合生存，而是茁壮成长。更重要的是，他/她会享受大学的生活，非常愿意继续深造，或继续在他/她感兴趣的领域里成长。

西西

快乐感和自信心将激励他们向更高的目标前进，敢于接受新的挑战。

Stephen
是的， 快乐感和自信心至关重要。

西西
你讲得非常清楚，谢谢. 如果孩子进入常春藤大学，仍然能够驾驭大学的学习和生活，孩子应该去。选择没有一点挑战, 孩子感到无聊, 没有前途, 也是非常不好的。关键不是进哪所学校，而是他/她有足够的挑战, 同时自信心不被打碎。

我相信无论选择哪所大学，她/他都要适应新的环境。你对我们已经在校的大学生有什么建议吗？

Stephen

我建议他们对环境的变化有充分的思想准备，主动适应新环境。读一些关于如何适应大学生活的书籍，与现任或前任大学生聊聊他们的经验和看法…

西西
遇到任何情绪问题，学业问题，交友问题，去学校找心理辅导员咨询。

Stephen
是的，不要孤立自己。从入大学起，建立一个朋友圈，一个新的支持系统。经常与你的朋友和父母以及你现有的朋友圈保持联系…

如果你需要帮助，不要怕求人（包括朋友，老师，辅导员，心理健康专业人士等）。人都需要帮助，求助于他人很正常。

西西

这一点很重要。谢谢Dr. Cheung博士。我希望每个孩子都有一个幸福快乐的大学生活。

王慈欣

大多数大学心理咨询中心的服务是免费的，学生学费已经包括了咨询服务，学生应该充分利用这些资源。学生如果学业上有困难，也可以得到咨询中心的工作人员的帮助。例如，他们可能由于抑郁症，注意缺陷多动障碍影响学习， 咨询师可以在选课上帮助他们。

西西

这些东西要让所有的华人都知道。由于很多亚洲父母都不在这里长大，没有美国的大学生活概念：什么是美国大学文化？大学生活有哪些挑战？学校可以给学生怎样的帮助？我们不是很清楚。

Stephen
非常重要的信息。谢谢王慈欣教授。

王慈欣

大学心理咨询中心今后将给学生和家长做更多的宣传，让大家对我们更了解。然而，由于学生超过十八岁，已经是成人，所以除非青少年本人同意，辅导员不能学生个人信息透漏给父母。我希望我们华人社区充分意识到这一点，这是第一步。

西西

这点一直困扰着我。如果父母在孩子精神状况刚刚出现一些苗头时，马上得到消息，适当干预，应该效果更好。

王慈欣
父母可以和学校交流，没有任何机构阻止父母向咨询师提问或提供情况。但是没有学生本人同意，学校不能透露个人信息。

西西

但愿我们与孩子保持良好关系，孩子信得过我们，愿意与我们沟通。

王慈欣

是的，有的孩子未必愿意让父母知道他们在挣扎。

西西
这对我们来说，又是另外一个挑战。

请父母在孩子离家前，就要嘱咐他们，有什么情况都要告诉父母。孩子虽然长大了，但是大多数人还是需要一个过渡期，才能真正独立；大学期间仍然需要父母关心的。我们在教育孩子时，也要早早地培养孩子的独立性，这是另一个话题。  

王慈欣
父母和孩子的关系很重要。要让他们知道, 父母永远站在背后 支持他们。

西西
是的。亲子关系非常重要。

王慈欣
让父母和孩子尽量利用学校的资源，比如要求心理咨询，找作业辅导员等， 很多服务是免费的, 我想父母是希望孩子使用的。

西西
我相信家长不了解美国大学系统，不知道有这些服务。在这方面我们还有很多工作要做。

王慈欣
我和群里的很多家长一样, 也是在中国长大了来美国上学。 从国际学生, 博士后, 然后当助理教授, 一步步过来的。提高全民精神健康意识，一直是我的愿望。很愿意分享我的经验。

西西
我们很幸运有能说中文的专家和我们在一起。

大学生精神问题很多, 自己孩子没那么大, 可能听不到。孩子上大学之前在家时, 都看似好好的, 上大学期间, 父母还是蒙在鼓里, 直到出大问题, 才感到吃惊。

所以, 当孩子还在我们身边时, 就要让父母意识到, 这可能是一个潜在问题；给孩子打好预防针，有了抵御能力, 出问题机会能够减少。

谢谢大家。

******************原文如下*****************

How to prevent Youth Mental Problems before and after s/he goes to college 

Dr. Stephen Cheung is a clinical psychology professor of the Department of Psychology at Azusa Pacific University (APU), Azusa, CA.         

王慈欣教授是University of California in Riverside 的心理学助理教授

 青少年精神健康微信群讨论记录整理

西西:
An MIT freshman died at her home in Florida on Thursday night, campus officials announced, marking the eighth death of a member of the university community over the past year.
http://tech.mit.edu/V135/N5/nehring.html
https://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/2015/03/06/mit-freshman-dies-eighth-death-school-community-last-year/P3DueFWGsMXXRdnskOTuIM/story.html

 

Stephen 
I'm so sad to hear about the recent suicides at MIT. I'm heart-broken to hear about another suicide because one suicide is one far too many!

西西
Me too. I was shocked to notice that there are already eight deaths in one year at MIT.
I am sure the kids go to MIT are the most bright, "well rounded kids". Why does this still happen? Do you think the problem happened before or after college?

Stephen
There are many reasons for suicide. We don't know what specifically caused each suicide. People who committed suicide could have problems before, during, and after college.

西西

What we, as parents can do before college to help our kids?

Stephen 
We've been talking about good, understanding, and supportive parenting. I'd add paying attention to our children's mental health in addition to their physical health and academic successes.

We can begin early in their life by encouraging them to express their thoughts and feelings to us, validating them for their efforts, attitude, and progress etc. in addition to their final outcomes, etc.

西西
Mental health starts from the very early age. Kids need to learn good communication skills.

Stephen
Yes, psychologists consider teaching our children from birth and even before they are born. We can talk, read, and sing to them when they're in the womb.

西西
亲子关系从胎儿时期就开始了。

Stephen 
True, we can start that early and continue to build a good relationship with our children; we help our children to develop good communication skills by listening to them and modeling good communication for them and by asking them to speak their mind.

西西
Children will benefit in their life time, if they have a good relationship with their parents.

Stephen 
Certainly, our good relationship with our children will form the firm foundation for their future relationships with their friends, partners, and children, etc. 

It's wise to spend time with our children, having fun together with them besides teaching them things.

I'd also suggest that we help them solve problems by not solving problems for them, but by letting them try to solve problems themselves, while they are still under our guidance...
 

西西
Parents should not help too much. Only the things from the children themselves belong to them.

Stephen 
Yes, experience is the best teacher for most of us. Let our children experience life (e.g., solving problems, making friends, maintaining friendships, etc.).

西西
Not only experience success, but also failures when the kids are young.

Stephen 
Yes, knowing how to handle themselves, setbacks, failures, and their emotions is crucial. For this is a part of emotional intelligence.

There is some wisdom in that because there are always ups and downs in life. In fact, M. Scott Peck, a famous psychiatrist, once said, "Life is difficult." If we accept that fact, life is no longer as difficult due to our change of expectations and perception of things.

西西 
But a lot of time, the parents want their kids the best.

Stephen 
A very keen observation. Parents want the best and success for their children. But they may forget their kids may lost the opportunity to learn to accept themselves to be imperfect and survive after fall.

There are many definitions of success depending on your own worldview. A lot of people refer success to material/financial success.

Stephen 
Financial success doesn't necessary bring health and happiness. For a lot of parents, going to an Ivy League school is a way to success. It is quite true, but one thing they might overlook...

西西
Even if a child gets into the Ivy League, he has to be able to handle the challenges to finish college. 
I can imagine there will be a lot of pressure on him/her if s/he does not surpass the standard a lot.

Stephen 
Yes, some children can get to an Ivy League school, but they may have difficulty getting through their education and feel defeated.

西西

Or any unexpected event, like emotional issue, can be disastrous. 
Do you think it is more important to choose a college that fit your child than go to the highest ranked college your child applied?  How to choose the right college?

Stephen 
It is wise to find the school that fits your child. Visiting the school, talking with the professors and current and former students there would give you a better feel of the goodness of fit. In other words, do whatever is needed to discern whether that college is suitable for your child and s/he will do well there.

西西
Make sure it fits the child himself, not the parents.

Stephen 
Yes. In one of the recent videos shared by our group members, it pointed out the wisdom of “being a big fish in a small pond rather than a small fish in a big pond” because the latter can affect some young people's self-confidence. I know of several people who went to a top-notch university and had their self-confidence shattered after completing their first degree and didn’t go further in their studies.

西西
It is a tough job for both parents and the child to choose a right college.  Some child knows what college to go and what major to choose, some doesn't.

Stephen 
There are individual differences. High school counselors might be able to help some, but some children will take a longer time to find out their interests and preferences. Be patient and supportive of such children. Encourage them to experience/try things in life so as to discover themselves (e.g., knowing their own personality, likes and dislikes, etc.), vocational interests and aptitude.

Another helpful thing is to talk with people who are working in the field they want to get into (e.g., engineering, health care field, etc.) about their daily routine and challenges, etc. Better still, ask to see if they can follow/shadow the people in the field in order to experience their work firsthand for a period of a few days or a few weeks, or the entire semester.

Some high schools require internships before graduation; if their schools don’t require that, create their summer volunteer internships to learn about themselves and the world of work in the States.

西西
We have something similar "宁为鸡头, 不为风尾". But we usually do not use this principle to choose a college.

Stephen 
Yes, we don't seem to practice that. We are under so much cultural and peer pressure to ensure the success of our children!!! But it would wise to reconsider what we know versus what we do. For it might make an enormous difference in our children's life.

西西
Do you think the child will have less learning or less opportunities in the future? 

Stephen 
No, success in life does not depend only on which school you graduate from, but it requires many other factors such as hard work, perseverance, people, communication, teamwork, and networking skills, etc.

If there is a good fit between your child and the school, your child will not just survive, but they will thrive in it. What is more, s/he will enjoy the college experience and may want to continue to further their studies.

西西
Then they are dare to take more challenges. Happiness and confidence will encourage them to the next level.

Stephen 
Yes, their happiness and self-confidence can do that.

西西
Good point, very clear.

If the child can handle all the school work in Ivy League universities,  for sure, s/he should go. Going to a College,  feels of bored, inferior or no further,  is not a good choice either. 

It is not exactly which school to go, it is the matter that the child's self-confidence not being smashed.

No matter which university the child goes to, I am sure s/he still will meet a lot of challenges. What suggestions do you have for our college students?

Stephen 
I'd suggest that they prepare for and anticipate changes and adaptations. Read some books on how to survive college and talk with current or former students about their experiences and insights...

西西
Go to the school counselor for any emotional issues.

Stephen 
Yes, Do not isolate yourself, but develop a new support system in college as soon as you get there, while keeping in close touch with your parents and friends, your existing support system...

If you need help, reach out to others (including friends, professors, college counselors, and mental health professionals, etc.). We are interdependent beings and it is fine to ask for help.

西西
This is very important.  Thanks Dr. Cheung. I wish every one of our children has a happy life.

Stephen 
Me too. Thanks for the chat.

王慈欣
Also most services at the university counseling centers are free. Students fee and tuition pay for the counseling service. Students should make use of the resources there.

Counseling center staff can help students with academic struggles. For example, they may be able to get some accommodations in class due to depression, ADHD....

西西
We need to make sure all our Chinese community knows that.
Since a lot of Asian parents are not grown up here, we have no ideas of the college life in USA: What the challenges are and what helps the students can get. Thanks @王慈欣UCR

Stephen 
@西西 @王慈欣 UCR  Thanks for your good points.

王慈欣:
University counseling centers also need to do more outreach to students and parents. However, because students are over 18, counselors cannot share confidential information with parents, unless adolescents give consent. But awareness in the community is definitely the first step.

西西
That is something that bothers me.  If the parents knew the situation when the child just showed something not right, we might be able to help better.

王慈欣
父母可以和学校交流。没有任何机构阻止父母向咨询师提问或提供信息。 但是学校不一定能够把所有的信息给父母, 除非学生同意。

西西
I guess that is why we need good relationship with our child and talk to our child often. It is a continuous job as a parent.

王慈欣

有的孩子未必愿意让父母知道他们的struggle。

西西
那又是另外一个挑战。

王慈欣
父母和孩子的关系很重要。要让他们知道, 父母永远站在背后 支持他们

西西
是的。亲子关系非常重要。

王慈欣
让父母和孩子多多利用学校的资源 比如 咨询 tutoring ， 有不少是免费的, 我想父母还是愿意的。

西西
我相信中国家长, 不在美国长大, 不了解美国大学系统, 不知道美国大学文化, 不知道孩子会遇到什么困难, 大学能给我们哪些帮助。在这些方面, 我们还有很多工作要做。

王慈欣
我和群里的很多家长一样, 也是在中国长大了来美国上学。 从国际学生, 博士后, 然后当助理教授, 一步步过来的。 Promote menta lhealth awareness 一直是我的愿望。很愿意分享我的经验。

西西
我们很幸运有能说中文的专家和我们在一起。

大学生精神问题多多, 自己孩子没那么大, 可能听不到那么多。孩子上大学之前在家时, 都看似好好的, 上大学期间, 父母往往还是蒙在鼓里, 出大问题, 才感到吃惊。

所以, 当孩子还在我们身边时, 就要让父母意识到, 这可能是一个潜在问题, 给孩子打好预防针。孩子有了抵御能力, 出问题机会能够减少。

谢谢大家。