整理者: 西西    微信号: tracytang949

The Strengths of Different Parenting Styles

Dr. Stephen Cheung is a clinical psychology professor of the Department of Psychology at Azusa Pacific University (APU), Azusa, CA.              CAAOC橙县华人家长微信群讨论记录整理

Stephen: 我们深信中国父母的教养方式有许多长处，并且为此感到自豪；我们培养的孩子勤奋好学，遵纪守法，吃苦耐劳，目标明确实际，并具有非凡的执行能力。

西西: 我相信努力工作是任何社会的人，都应该具备的基本素质。我欣赏努力勤奋的人。

Stephen: 我同意。中国人以勤劳而著称，他们具有非凡的生存能力。在多元文化的心理学文献中，中国与亚洲其他少数群体在美国被视为“模范少数民族”。然而，也有一些文章，谈到中国人偏于内向，比较沉默，拙于社交，在学校或公司被动，不合群。换句话说，他们读书很聪明，但是街头智慧不足。

我曾听到一个说法：“你的智商可以给你一份工作，但是你的情商（社交商）会帮你升职。”

西西: 我们上一代人的确有这种倾向, 新的年轻一代已经有进步, 但是在表达沟通, 既维护自己的权益, 又考虑对方的利益方面, 还有努力空间。除了学习好外, 我们中国人也要在事业上成功。怎样培养社交能力强，高情商的孩子呢？

Stephen: 是的，这是我们的共同愿望。我明白作为一个中国父母在美国很不容易, 因为我们没有了以往在中国时拥有的社会规范，和社会支持系统；我们要保证孩子们身体健康，学业成功，课外活动表现突出，使他们能够顺利进入他们选择的大学。准备大学申请的过程，消耗我们太多的时间。现在进入一所好的大学尤其竞争激烈。

我经常跟中国父母说，除了关注孩子的学业成功，还要鼓励他们交朋友，加入一个球队，参与队友的社交活动。有的孩子去教堂青年团体做志愿者，或参加与人打交道的其它活动等，就非常好。

规划及参加生日派对，可以锻炼他们的社会/领导/组织能力。在他们已经排得满满挡挡的时间表里，见缝插针，安排这些社交活动，对他们是一个巨大的挑战：他们需要非常明智地使用他们的时间，在学业和社会活动之间，寻找平衡点。

西西：同意你的看法，这些都对。但是同时，如果孩子不上大学，他将失去在这个社会中生存的基础。这就是为什么作为家长，这么看重上好大学的原因。当然我们可能忘了，大学仅仅是一个人的生活的开始。我们的未来还会遇到更多的挑战。

Stephen: 是的，进入一所好的大学非常重要，但它仅仅是生活的开始！有趣的是，一个常春藤毕业生说，如果让他重新来过，他会选择在学术界花一小部分时间，大部分的时间将花于社交和社区活动。当然，这只是一个人的意见，但也许有道理，他说，社会和人际交往能力，是EQ的一部分，是生活成功的必要条件。

西西：什么是美国的管教方式？他们与我们中国人的教养方式有很大的不同吗？

Stephen: 两种教养方式有相似之处，的确也有不同。美国父母教养方式往往更尊重孩子作为一个独立的个体，给他/她更多的自由去尝试摸索，了解自己。其结果是：他们培养出更多具有自主性和创造性的儿童。孩子们也似乎更自信，质疑权威，畅所欲言。美国人重视培养公众演讲才能，因此孩子口头表达能力强，喜欢发表意见。

西西：我注意到美国人花更多的时间在运动上.

Stephen: 他们的确是这样。运动可以锻炼身体，增加社交能力，甚至促进智力的全面发展。例如，美式橄榄球是一项战略性的游戏，需要敏捷的思维，计划，执行，以及团队合作等。

鼓励孩子自己去寻找在体育和社会活动方面的兴趣和喜好，坚持不懈，努力追求，是一种教育孩子的明智选择。
换句话说，鼓励他们学习做人智慧，街头智慧; 帮助他们在现实生活中培养自己的决策能力，解决问题的能力，语言能力和领导能力；不仅仅是从书本中学习一些理论，而且是从自己的实际生活中去体验。

西西：讲的好。但我觉得美国人有时说得太多，努力不够, 所以他们基础知识不牢固。

Stephen：是的，你提出了一个非常好的问题。很多美国人敢说话，说很多，但缺乏自律， 不够努力勤奋。这是他们应该向我们学习的地方！

奥地利著名精神病学家弗兰克尔曾经说过美国，“东海岸矗立着自由女神雕像; 只有在西海岸再矗立一个责任雕像，才能取得一个良好的平衡。”

每个管教方式都有其优势和改进的空间。主流社会美国人可以学习我们的辛勤工作，廉洁自律，推迟满足感，耐力，尊重权威，务实精神，我们可以学习他们尊重孩子的个性，鼓励独立决策，冒险，创新，注重培养社会/人际交往能力等。

西西：今天学到很多东西，非常感谢你的分享。

Stephen：谢谢你的提问和鼓励。按中国人的说法，让我们“取二者之长”来培养我们的孩子。即使是好东西，太多也会适得其反; 所以我们要随着孩子的变化不断微调我们的教育方式。让我们共同学习，共同成长！

Daniel Goleman关于社交智慧的著作:

http://www.amazon.com/Social-Intelligence-Science-Human-Relationships/dp/055338449X

http://www.amazon.com/Working-Emotional-Intelligence-Daniel-Goleman/dp/0553378589

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-Matter-More-Than/dp/055338371X

The Strengths of Different Parenting Styles

Stephen: Thanks for the articles provided by Laura and others! We are fondly reminded and are proud of the many strengths in the Chinese way of parenting: We raise hard-working and usually rules-abiding children; they can endure hardship; the can have goals and can often reach them; and their ability of execution is generally high.

西西: I believe hard working is the base in any society. I admire hard working people.

Stephen: I agree. Chinese are known for their hard work and ability to survive in most situations. In the multicultural psychology literature, Chinese together with other Asian minority groups are seen as "a model minority" in the States. However, in some articles, they also talk about Chinese's lack of social presence in school, university and even work settings apparently because they are not too outgoing or outspoken, and maybe not knowing too well how to fit in. In other words, they are book smart, but they may not be too street smart.

I once heard a saying: "Your IQ may get you a job, but your EQ (social quotient) will help you climb the corporate ladder."

西西:  That is true. We are learning and trying to improve our parenting skill.  We want our children to be successful to climb the corporate ladder too. How can we raise up more outgoing，high EQ kids?

Stephen: Yes, we all do. I understand being a Chinese parent in the States is very difficult because we don't have our former social norms and social support as we did in China, but we had to take care of our kids' physical needs, academic needs, and many other things so they can get into a college of their choice. Preparing them for college consumes all our time and energy especially when getting into a good college is so competitive now.

I often share with parents that in addition to taking care of their academic success, help them to have social activities with friends or sport teammates. Some kids go to church youth groups and do volunteer work, or anything that will involve people, etc.
Going to and planning birthday parties would help them develop their social and leadership/organizational skills.
Fitting these social activities in their already packed schedule would be an enormous challenge: they need to use their time very wisely and/or strike a balance between academic activities and social activities.

西西: Totally agree with you. Those are all the good points.
At the same time, if the child does not go to college, he will lose the survival base in this society.  That is why as parents, we pay so much attention to their chance to a good university. We probably forgot going to college is only a start of a man's real life. We have more challenge in the future.  

Stephen : Yes, getting to a good college is very important, but it is only the beginning of life! It is interesting to note that an Ivy League graduate said, if he were to do it over again, he would spend only a fraction of his time on academics and the majority of his time on social and community activities. Certainly that is only one person's opinion, but there may be some insight in what he said because social and people skills, which are a part of EQ, are very essential to life success.

西西: What is the American parenting style? Are they quite different from our ways to raise up kids?

Stephen: Although there are similarities, there are differences. American parenting style tends to respect one's individual child and give him/her more freedom to try things on his or her own. Its outcome appears to be this: they raise more independent and creative children. Also children seem to be more self-confident to question authority and speak their minds. Americans value public speaking and expressing one's opinions that result in more verbally expressive children.

西西: I notice Americans spend more time on sports too.

Stephen: Yes, they do. Sports can help them develop physically, socially, and even intellectually. For example, American football is a strategic game and requires smart thinking, planning, execution of plans, and teamwork, etc.

It would be wise to encourage our children to find their own interests and preferences in sports and social activities and pursue them.

In other words, encourage them to be people/street smart; help them to develop their decision-making, problem-solving, verbal and leadership skills through living life, not just by reading books from a theoretical perspective, but from their actual life experiences.

西西: Good point. But I feel that Americans talk too much some time and not encourage hard work, so they do not have a solid base.

Stephen: Yes, you brought up a very good point. A lot of Americans dare to speak up and talk much, but unlike us, some of them lack self-discipline and hard work. They can indeed learn from us!  

Viktor Frankl, a famous Austrian psychiatrist once said about the U.S., “There is the Statue of Liberty on the east coast; to strike a good balance, there should be a Statue of Responsibility on the west coast.”

There seem to be strengths and room for improvement in each parenting style. Mainstream Americans can learn from our hard work, self-discipline, delayed gratifications, endurance, respect for authority, and being practical, etc. We can learn from their respect for their children's individuality, independent decision-making, adventuresome/creative spirit, and social/people skills, etc.

西西: Learn a lot today. Thank you so much for sharing.

Stephen: Thanks for your questions and kind words, Tracy. Let's use our Chinese wisdom of 取二者之长 in helping our kids to develop.  Too much of a good thing can sometimes backfire; choose to parent our children. Let’s learn and grow together!

Some books on social intelligence by Daniel Goleman:

http://www.amazon.com/Social-Intelligence-Science-Human-Relationships/dp/055338449X

http://www.amazon.com/Working-Emotional-Intelligence-Daniel-Goleman/dp/0553378589

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-Matter-More-Than/dp/055338371X