How to prevent Youth Mental Problems before and after s/he goes to college 

Dr. Stephen Cheung is a clinical psychology professor of the Department of Psychology at Azusa Pacific University (APU), Azusa, CA.         

王慈欣教授是University of California in Riverside 的心理学教授

              青少年精神健康微信群讨论记录整理

西西:
An MIT freshman died at her home in Florida on Thursday night, campus officials announced, marking the eighth death of a member of the university community over the past year.
http://tech.mit.edu/V135/N5/nehring.html
https://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/2015/03/06/mit-freshman-dies-eighth-death-school-community-last-year/P3DueFWGsMXXRdnskOTuIM/story.html

 

Stephen
I'm so sad to hear about the recent suicides at MIT. I'm heart-broken to hear about another suicide because one suicide is one far too many!

西西
Me too. I was shocked to notice that there are already eight deaths in one year at MIT.
I am sure the kids go to MIT are the most bright, "well rounded kids". Why does this still happen? Do you think the problem happened before or after college?

Stephen
There are many reasons for suicide. We don't know what specifically caused each suicide. People who committed suicide could have problems before, during, and after college.

西西

What we, as parents can do before college to help our kids?

Stephen
We've been talking about good, understanding, and supportive parenting. I'd add paying attention to our children's mental health in addition to their physical health and academic successes.

We can begin early in their life by encouraging them to express their thoughts and feelings to us, validating them for their efforts, attitude, and progress etc. in addition to their final outcomes, etc.

西西
Mental health starts from the very early age. Kids need to learn good communication skills.

Stephen
Yes, psychologists consider teaching our children from birth and even before they are born. We can talk, read, and sing to them when they're in the womb.

西西
亲子关系从胎儿时期就开始了。

Stephen
True, we can start that early and continue to build a good relationship with our children; we help our children to develop good communication skills by listening to them and modeling good communication for them and by asking them to speak their mind.

西西
Children will benefit in their life time, if they have a good relationship with their parents.

Stephen
Certainly, our good relationship with our children will form the firm foundation for their future relationships with their friends, partners, and children, etc. 

It's wise to spend time with our children, having fun together with them besides teaching them things.

I'd also suggest that we help them solve problems by not solving problems for them, but by letting them try to solve problems themselves, while they are still under our guidance...
 

西西
Parents should not help too much. Only the things from the children themselves belong to them.

Stephen
Yes, experience is the best teacher for most of us. Let our children experience life (e.g., solving problems, making friends, maintaining friendships, etc.).

西西
Not only experience success, but also failures when the kids are young.

Stephen
Yes, knowing how to handle themselves, setbacks, failures, and their emotions is crucial. For this is a part of emotional intelligence.

西西
I remembered the first ski lesson is how to brake instead of forward.

Stephen
There is some wisdom in that because there are always ups and downs in life. In fact, M. Scott Peck, a famous psychiatrist, once said, "Life is difficult." If we accept that fact, life is no longer as difficult due to our change of expectations and perception of things.

西西
But a lot of time, the parents want their kids the best.

Stephen
A very keen observation. Parents want the best and success for their children. But they may forget their kids may lost the opportunity to learn to accept themselves to be imperfect and survive after fall.

There are many definitions of success depending on your own worldview. A lot of people refer success to material/financial success.

Stephen
Financial success doesn't necessary bring health and happiness. For a lot of parents, going to an Ivy League school is a way to success. It is quite true, but one thing they might overlook...

西西
Even if a child gets into the Ivy League, he has to be able to handle the challenges to finish college.
I can imagine there will be a lot of pressure on him/her if s/he does not surpass the standard a lot.

Stephen
Yes, some children can get to an Ivy League school, but they may have difficulty getting through their education and feel defeated.

西西

Or any unexpected event, like emotional issue, can be disastrous.
Do you think it is more important to choose a college that fit your child than go to the highest ranked college your child applied?  How to choose the right college?

Stephen
It is wise to find the school that fits your child. Visiting the school, talking with the professors and current and former students there would give you a better feel of the goodness of fit. In other words, do whatever is needed to discern whether that college is suitable for your child and s/he will do well there.

西西
Make sure it fits the child himself, not the parents.

Stephen
Yes. In one of the recent videos shared by our group members, it pointed out the wisdom of “being a big fish in a small pond rather than a small fish in a big pond” because the latter can affect some young people's self-confidence. I know of several people who went to a top-notch university and had their self-confidence shattered after completing their first degree and didn’t go further in their studies.

西西
It is a tough job for both parents and the child to choose a right college.  Some child knows what college to go and what major to choose, some doesn't.

Stephen
There are individual differences. High school counselors might be able to help some, but some children will take a longer time to find out their interests and preferences. Be patient and supportive of such children. Encourage them to experience/try things in life so as to discover themselves (e.g., knowing their own personality, likes and dislikes, etc.), vocational interests and aptitude.

Another helpful thing is to talk with people who are working in the field they want to get into (e.g., engineering, health care field, etc.) about their daily routine and challenges, etc. Better still, ask to see if they can follow/shadow the people in the field in order to experience their work firsthand for a period of a few days or a few weeks, or the entire semester.

Some high schools require internships before graduation; if their schools don’t require that, create their summer volunteer internships to learn about themselves and the world of work in the States.

西西
We have something similar "宁为鸡头, 不为风尾". But we usually do not use this principle to choose a college.

Stephen
Yes, we don't seem to practice that. We are under so much cultural and peer pressure to ensure the success of our children!!! But it would wise to reconsider what we know versus what we do. For it might make an enormous difference in our children's life.

西西
Do you think the child will have less learning or less opportunities in the future?

Stephen
No, success in life does not depend only on which school you graduate from, but it requires many other factors such as hard work, perseverance, people, communication, teamwork, and networking skills, etc.

If there is a good fit between your child and the school, your child will not just survive, but they will thrive in it. What is more, s/he will enjoy the college experience and may want to continue to further their studies.

西西
Then they are dare to take more challenges. Happiness and confidence will encourage them to the next level.

Stephen
Yes, their happiness and self-confidence can do that.

西西
Good point, very clear.

No matter which university the child goes to, I am sure s/he still will meet a lot of challenges. What suggestions do you have for our college students?

Stephen
I'd suggest that they prepare for and anticipate changes and adaptations. Read some books on how to survive college and talk with current or former students about their experiences and insights...

西西
Go to the school counselor for any emotional issues.

Stephen
Yes, Do not isolate yourself, but develop a new support system in college as soon as you get there, while keeping in close touch with your parents and friends, your existing support system...

If you need help, reach out to others (including friends, professors, college counselors, and mental health professionals, etc.). We are interdependent beings and it is fine to ask for help.

西西
This is very important.  Thanks Dr. Cheung. I wish every one of our children has a happy life.

Stephen
Me too. Thanks for the chat.

王慈欣
Also most services at the university counseling centers are free. Students fee and tuition pay for the counseling service. Students should make use of the resources there.

Counseling center staff can help students with academic struggles. For example, they may be able to get some accommodations in class due to depression, ADHD....

西西
We need to make sure all our Chinese community knows that.
Since a lot of Asian parents are not grown up here, we have no ideas of the college life in USA: What the challenges are and what helps the students can get. Thanks @王慈欣UCR

Stephen
@西西 @王慈欣 UCR  Thanks for your good points.

王慈欣:
University counseling centers also need to do more outreach to students and parents. However, because students are over 18, counselors cannot share confidential information with parents, unless adolescents give consent. But awareness in the community is definitely the first step.

西西
That is something that bothers me.  If the parents knew the situation when the child just showed something not right, we might be able to help better.

王慈欣
父母可以和学校交流。没有任何机构阻止父母向咨询师提问或提供信息。 但是学校不一定能够把所有的信息给父母, 除非学生同意。

西西
I guess that is why we need good relationship with our child and talk to our child often. It is a continuous job as a parent.

王慈欣

有的孩子未必愿意让父母知道他们的struggle。

西西
那又是另外一个挑战。

王慈欣
父母和孩子的关系很重要。要让他们知道, 父母永远站在背后 支持他们

西西
是的。亲子关系非常重要。

王慈欣
让父母和孩子多多利用学校的资源 比如 咨询 tutoring ， 有不少是免费的, 我想父母还是愿意的。

西西
我相信中国家长, 不在美国长大, 不了解美国大学系统, 不知道美国大学文化, 不知道孩子会遇到什么困难, 大学能给我们哪些帮助。在这些方面, 我们还有很多工作要做。

王慈欣
我和群里的很多家长一样, 也是在中国长大了来美国上学。 从国际学生, 博士后, 然后当助理教授, 一步步过来的。 Promote menta lhealth awareness 一直是我的愿望。很愿意分享我的经验。

西西
我们很幸运有能说中文的专家和我们在一起。

大学生精神问题多多, 自己孩子没那么大, 可能听不到那么多。孩子上大学之前在家时, 都看似好好的, 上大学期间, 父母往往还是蒙在鼓里, 出大问题, 才感到吃惊。

所以, 当孩子还在我们身边时, 就要让父母意识到, 这可能是一个潜在问题, 给孩子打好预防针。孩子有了抵御能力, 出问题机会能够减少。

谢谢大家。