The Scream

I must admit the scream was most exhilarating and rejuvenating. Somehow whenever I see the ocean, I always feel this rush of adrenaline and the urge to shout out loud, real loud! It is rarely I actually get the opportunity to act on it.

The first time I ever saw the ocean was in the summer of 1982 to a “夏练营” hosted by the Educational Commission in Tianjin. I remember so vividly when I first saw the true ocean, the vast, boundless (无边无际) ocean, not the beach. That was when I walked out of the cabin after settling down. The ship was already in the middle of nowhere. The expanse of the ocean struck with awe and almost swallowed me whole. I felt the rush of blood to my face and was breathless for seemed like forever. Then warm tears trickled down my cheek as if a long lost child finally found her mother!

That year, I was 19. I remember being the first one going to and last one leaving the beach every day. I loved the morning and evening tides the most. The ocean is like a complex lover. In the evening, it shows its power and磅礴的气势.The rock shattering waves swallowed up all the cries and laughs and washed away all traces of human existences. In the early morning when most people are asleep and the soft sand untouched, one could feel the ocean owns herself and only herself! I loved how those spend waves (浪花) so ever gently crowded and touched my feet, slipped away quietly between the toes. It leaves me nothing on the surface but the feeling of being loved and caressed.

I wanted to announce to the world how I loved the ocean; I was to tell the universe the complex feelings held inside the youthful heart; I wanted to scream! Finally one day I got my only opportunity. I was standing on a rock and the waves were roaring. The smashing of the waves enveloped me with a huge rain cover that security me and boiled me to the point of no return. I let go. I opened my soul and had my scream of the life! A friend actually snapped a picture from afar. In it, my arms were stretched out and my head slightly tilted up and my eye looking at eternity.

That was exactly 30 years ago! The feeling is so raw that it feels almost happened yesterday!

Now, again on a ship, only one much much bigger, the ocean brought back turmoil in me. I wanted to shout, to yell, and to scream. I wanted to just open my lungs and empty it out! It is a sense that I do not know how exactly to describe better. Some feelings truly are “只可意会不可言传” and this is one of them.

I stepped onto the balcony, closed my eyes, and screamed with my whole body, letting the sound sweeping me away. The voice filled the space and it struck me with an almost physical force, raising the hair of my arms with its intensity. It grew and grew and then crashed in emotional waves.  There were no people, no ship, nothing but the sound and the sensation. I screamed for life, for emptiness, for love, for everything and anything. At the end, there was a vacuum in my lung in connection with the spaciousness of the ocean. An unexpected surge of feelings rise through my whole body. It felt rigidness, emptiness, rage, craving, …, all were taking turns to serve/surf up: filled, lost, found, felt, …  I stood motionless and my hands tight fists until my breath returned to normal and opened my eyes finally. Then, for a second, all was quiet except my heart beats.

That is when I heard the noises, laughs and clicking of electronics. Oh, gosh. I wanted to shout so badly and it never occurred to me that we were not alone on the ship! As my shout subsided, I realized many of my neighbors were out on their balconies as well and were the audiences of my act. A group of young men on a cabin higher up had a video camera in hand. I had to believe that was turned on only after they heard the scream and became interested in the ladies below. Please do not assume it were me if you ever run into an U-tube video of some crazy lady scream into the darkness!

Embarrassment aside, I was really glad that I did not have the sense to scout out the surroundings before my大吼一声. Because as much as I wanted to do it again, I could never gather up enough courage to do it again! What strange and complex species humankind is!