Hello, Donovan High!  Thank you very much for inviting me let me to speak with you.  It has been a great honor for me.

 My name is Jing Holm, living in Bayville New Jersey, with my beloved husband, our lovely 4 American children and 6 wonderful Chinese international students. 

Today, I am not going to tell you how long Chinese history is; how smart and how diligent our Chinese people are; how marvelous achievement China has been made during the recent two decades.  I am certainly very proud of my Chinese background because of all those above-mentioned.  Today I am here to share with you some of my personal experience in America, something that you might not be able to find in any textbook or any articles, something that is from my deep heart.  From sharing, I believe we all learn to know each other better.   I know my feeling and my experience may not represent all Chinese-American, but I believe by telling you the truth about me, you will understand our Chinese people better in general, or at least to some extent.

Chinese people appear to be a group with very good education background.  Chinese people are most likely peace-maker and very cooperative and tolerant.  In general, they work very hard, eat well, and are quite successful in their career and personal life.  The Chinese people you meet seems to be happy and positive.  But if you talk to us in more depth and know us better, you may find there is something a little bit awkward, distant, or even strange. For example, a Chinese high school international student may not understand American joke, or may not know a story and a sentence that a 5-year-old American child may know.   A Chinese student may refuse to participate any sports or social events or even fun parties.  A Chinese student may say something which does not make sense to you or sounds too complicated or confusing to you.   Does these mean that the Chinese students you see around, or Chinese American in large, are lack of sense of humor?  Or do they not like to make friends, or are they insulate to fun?

It certainly cannot be true.  Like American kids, Chinese kids love to hang out with friends, they love humor, they make fun jokes and they have high school sweet hearts and they can be as crazy, and as creative as American kids.

It is difficult to live in a foreign country speaking a very different language.  I came to this country about 15 years ago.  I was twice age as those Chinese international students here.  Believe me, I was scared and lots of times, I was quite out of myself.  I had very good scores in all the tests, but I also had a lot of difficulty to understand my fellow graduate students’ daily chat.  I love sports and wanted to play, but I felt awkward when I couldn’t understand other people’s talk.  I love comedy, but I found myself not get it even I understood each single word.  I was afraid to be in a party although I was very social.  I was worried I would be laughed or noticed differently.  I did not have confidence at that time and I tried to pretend to be the person who I was not.  I can imagine how difficult it is for those Chinese teenage studying aboard.  They do not only need to overcome the changes of their body caused by puberty, but also the uncertainty and complexity caused by the language barrier and culture difference. 

I gained master and MBA degree from Rutgers University, graduated with honor.  I am also a CPA worked for many well-known American companies for many years.  But still for many years I felt I was awkward outsider.  At that time, I did not know what caused me to feel that way, but now after so many years especially after I realized my own issues and made tremendous change, I realized it was my negative thinking process that built an invisible wall between American people and me.  I did not believe I was lovely, so I did not believe people can truly love me.  When there was a conflict I did not believe people could be faithful and unselfish.  There is an American woman I would never forgot in all my life.  She gave me a great lesson and actually changed my life.  She was my boss’ assistant in my previous job.  For the very beginning, I felt she did not like me.  The way she looked at me, she talked to me even she smiled to me made me very uncomfortable.  I did not care that much because she was not my direct boss.  While after our company’s merger, many staffs got laid off and all our remained employers doubled our work load.  She started to be on my back all the time and picked on everything I did.  I did not try to ask for help because I did not believe in help.  Instead, I wrote down all the unfair things she did to me and it turned out to be 10 pages long.  One day I just could not hold any more, I burst into tears in the office and my boss and lots of colleagues came to me and comforted me.  My boss was shocked when showed him my report.  He asked me was “why didn’t you do something earlier?  Why you waited and suffered for that long!”  At that time, I just could not reconcile with that American woman, but if I had chance to work with her again, I would behavior so differently now.   Sometimes, there is no solution to some problems or some situations but not reaching out and looking for help is completely wrong.  I did not realize this until I made change myself now.  

When we talk some culture difference between Chinese and American,  I believe communication is one of the most important thing.  Chinese people are not as good as American to express their true feelings.  We Chinese people do not say a lot of “thank you” or “I love you” at home or anywhere else.  The old traditional-style Chinese parents like my parents do not hug and kiss their kids.  We Chinese parents believe pressure and competition instead of freedom will make kids perform better.  We Chinese parents believe they know their children better then children themselves. 

Because of this lack of passion and very strict environment when I was raised, I did not know how to express our feelings especially sensitive or negative feelings well.  I felt guilty to ask for help or to refuse other’s kindness or point out other’s mistakes.  I felt uncomfortable to tell the truth when I am afraid that the truth may cause any inconvenience or trouble to the others.  I could not completely open our heart even to my husband.  For example, I hoped my husband could read my mind and satisfied my needs without me telling him.  He should have this magic skills of reading my mind, from the big issues like my financial and health to the small issues like noticing I am sick or cold.  I just stubbornly played guessing and pretending games, which drove my American husband crazy in the beginning of our marriage. 

Fortunately, my husband is very loving and patient and he has a big heart.   He always accepts and love me as who I am, and most important, he always praise me admires me.  I also have lots of American friends that I could talk with.  I watch American TV and movies, I read American novels.  All those learning and practicing process caused me to finally make a hug change on myself.  From the change, I learned to face reality and I gained confidence and courage.  I learn how to love unconditionally.  Everyone can be a superman in other’s life.  My husband and lots of my American friends are my “superman”.  And you, my American fellows can be a “superman” and make difference to one Chinese student’s life.  This may be the one Chinese student who sits alone in cafeteria; or the one who is anxious not knowing who to pick for her project partner. Please reach out to them and help them.  Do not be intimidated by their high GPA score or discouraged by their hesitation or silence.  They need your help just like I needed help from my husband and lots of American friends many years ago. 

On the other hand, my Chinese fellows, you must take a charge of your life now regardless how you were brought up to.  You are the only who can answer these  questions and take an action accordingly: why are you here, leaving your home town and family and your best friends and studying in a foreign country?  What kind of future you are pursuing? What kind of person you want yourself to grow up to be?  Life is full of opportunity but you are the only one who can turn the opportunity to reality.  I did it with lots of help and I believe you all can make it!  Good luck and best wishes for all of you!