Below article was written in 2009

A story about a girl -- She was a very introverted girl and was not able to do things that are very natural for other kids – such as joinning the group play or other kids’ conversation. All kids love recess time but not her, she would just stand there watching other kids playing skipping rope, she would really want to join them, but just did not know how to. To avoid being looking like a fool by standing there watching, she retreated to the classroom and pretended she was reading, alone by herself in a empty classroom. 

Why do I know so much about her? You might wonder, because that girl was me. 

My introverted childhood as result has proved to be a great resource for me later in my life,  when I feel down, I would turn to books which could lift up my spirit and be back on my feet again. Having introvert personality had made me observe more and therefore developed more sense of empathy that would not have otherwise which has turned out to be a great asset for me as I deal relationships with my family, friends and colleagues and my parenting. 

I wouldn’t call my son introvert as in general he doesn’t seems have trouble interacting with his classmates and friends, but he does inherits some degree of shyness gene from me – he seems have hard time to adjust new environments. Last year he and his friend went to their kindergarten Halloween party which held at school’s gym, his friend,  a extremely outgoing boy, disappeared in the crowd as soon as we walked into the gym, my son felt overwhelmed and lost by so many kids, so many people, so many activities, so loud music, he clung to my knees and just wouldn’t want to join other kids, I waited patiently and thought he might just need some time to warm up, but 30 minutes passed, he was still with me while his friend was happily hopping from one activity to another one. My patient started wearing out “Aaron, why can’t you go and play like other kids?” my son looked at me without saying a word. 

The next day after soccer class, one of the parent was playing soccer with couple of kids as goalie , every time when my son had ball and was approaching the net, he would say “I got to watch out this guy”. He was very impressed with my son’s athletic ability. Before his leaving, he walked over said to me  “Your son is going to have a bright future in sports”, while his friend(the same boy who went to Halloween party ) seems had a little struggling at the soccer class. His mom talked to me that “Aaron does have some athletic gift.” I said to her “Just last night at party, I was wishing my son could be as outgoing as your son.”

I thought a lot after these two events, every child has his/her own uniqueness, as parents, how can we not only help our children find that uniqueness and feel comfortable about who they are, but also go extra miles --  leverage and utilize that uniqueness in their lives?

 

The experience of being a introverted child had given me a unique position to understand introverted children which my husband lacks, he couldn’t understand why my son behaves that way, sometime he even scold my son, I could see my son burst tears in his eyes – it is not that he does not want to interact with other kids, he just simply does not know HOW. We as parents need to make our introverted child feel pride with his/her uniqueness, at same time try our best to equip them with the social skills they need. 

My experience is being mindful about the traits of introverted children, always help and encourage them, and take one step at time, do not be too hard on them which would only make them dislike themselves more. I have being taking some effort to help my son to overcome his shyness, such as arranging play dates with his classmates—a great way for child to learn the social skills through playing. Initially I invited his classmates come to our house first, once my son feels comfortable, then he would have play date at his classmate’s house, I remembered at beginning, my son wouldn’t let me leave, so I stayed and chatted with his classmate’s parents, then gradually shorten the time, now my son begs me to call his classmates’ mom and see if he could play at his classmates’ house. 

I also take my son to some unfamiliar environments, such as PCE events and other social gatherings. Another great way I found for young children is role-play. When I role-play with my son, I usually describe a scene, for example at playground, he play a role as a boy playing at playground, I am Aaron(my son’s name), my son would watch me and see how I initiate the conversation with that boy and then develop to play together, then we reverse the roles, he shows me how he would do in the same situation. My son likes it especially when I play the scene dramatically, my son finds it playful. 

One day my son was biking at our community, a lady walked by and said “hi” to us, my son did not respond back. I told him that it was not polite and not good manner. Then role-play came to my mind-- this would be a perfect scene for role-play I told myself, I pretend to be that lady walked by with smile waving and saying “hi” to my son, he then said “hi” back to me, we played back and forth for couple of times with adding some exaggeration, my son found it so amused that by end of the play he would literally wave and say “hi” to everyone he encountered even include people who were driving the car passing us--- the drivers must think we were crazy, we both laughed so hard that we could not stop laughing. We indeed had great day.

 

We should keep in mind that our goal is not to turn our introverted children into extroverted children, but rather to nurture their uniqueness and help them to achieve their own greatness. As I grow older and gained more experience and insight of life, I have becoming more and more open and feel ease with socialization, but deep down inside I know I will never become a extroverted person, and I don’t need to, really, I feel more and more confident with who I am over the years as I know that I possess some unique qualities.

To me, being a introverted person is the great gift, same as extroverted person, being introvert is not sign of weakness or flaw, without this mindset, you would feel worry and anxious which would do MORE harm than good. What is more helpful is that we need to be empathic about shy/introverted children and understand them, providing them the opportunities for them to feel more comfortable with interacting with other people, such as: don't tell them " it is very easy", as a easy thing to you could be a BIG THING for them; be patient, such as don't put them on the spot to force them to do something, for example at the Subway(Sandwich store), if my son did not feel ready to order his sandwich, I would say with smile to my son:"Okay, I do this time, next time, can you try?" Introverts need the time to mentally internalize it, prepare the BIG MOMENT and be supportive. Again, our goal is not try to turn introverts into extroverts, but to help them to develop the interpersonal skills they would need to live and enjoy their lives fully!