（注：当时全用英文写，还没来得及翻译成中文）

We had very productive and enjoyable event. Bonnie combined the theory from many “Emotional Intelligent” books into a very insightful, easy-to-understand speech and incorporated with many practical examples. Her in-depth knowledge on this topic, her ability to present this much complex and broad theory in a way that is so easy to understand, and her sense of humor has made this 2 hours event a very enjoyable and valuable one. I attended Bonnie’s EQ parenting workshop at PCE 2006 annual conference and still found her presentation on this event very fresh and thought-provoking. This time she presented EQ parenting with new perspectives and added more real life examples to support her view including her personal emotion experience with her son and her husband. After facility closed, some of us were still talking to Bonnie at outside of building for hours.

 

With my very limited writing ability, there is no way I can bring the event alive through this review. I just wish all of you have had come to have that first-hand experience.

 

What I like about Bennie’s style is she keeps throwing questions to the audience then guides them to think.

 

Bonnie started with asking audience “What is emotion?” “Can you give some examples of negative emotions?” “Sad” one parent said, “Angry” another person said loudly, and “Frustration“ a voice shouted from audience, we all laughed and could totally relate to that very familiar emotion. By then audience seemed very eager to participate and came up with more “Mad, disappointment, embarrassment, annoying, fear, upset”, then Bonnie asked “Have you had experience of feeling your emotion erupt when you child does not comply with our repeated requests or he keeps doing what you repeatedly tell him not to do, then said or did something you late regret?” Sounds familiar?

 

She drawed a picture of human brain to illustrate how our brain processing information, why human being could lost rational control of our emotion from time to time, it is called ‘Emotion Hijack’(thanks Bonnie,  I just learn another new terminology), by understanding how our brain works,  we can more easily accept that emotion exist in every human being including negative emotions, having negative emotions in some circumstances is very natural and normal, therefore don’t feel guilt or shame about having negative emotions, at the same token, we should also learn to understand our child’s emotion even though it is negative one, what we need to focus on is managing our emotions and use it in a positive way.

 

 She gave below definition of “Emotional Intelligent”

 

1. Aware of your own emotion, especially the negative ones AS IT HAPPENS

2. Manage your emotion: Get it out through right way, at the right place and the right time

3. Bring together your emotions to motive yourself in achieving goals."

4. Empathy

5. Relationship

 

 

When it comes to how to apply them to EQ parenting, Bonnie started to talk about Emotional-Coaching parents, a concept introduced by Dr. John Gottman, author of “Raising An Emotional Intelligent Child” and who is world-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, including the study of emotions, physiology, and communication, was recently voted as one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by the Psychotherapy Networker magazine.

 

The 5 steps Emotional-Coaching parents take:

1. Be aware of your child's emotion

2. See your child's emotions as an opportunity to be close together

3. Actively listen to your child and validate the feelings, it does not necessarily imply that you agree with your child, but rather that you try to understand you child’s point of view.

4. Help your child to name the emotion / articulate the negative motion

5. Help your child solve problems, while setting clear limits

 

 

After elaborating on each one of above with many real life examples, she then went on and summed up with below four types of parenting

 

Dismissing parents, who disregard , ignore children’s negative emotions;

Disapproving parents, who are critical of their children’s displays of negative feelings and may reprimand or punish them for emotional expression;

Laissez-Faire parents, who accept their children’s emotions and empathizes with them, but failed to offer guidance or set limit on their children’s behavior.

Emotional-Coaching parents, who might start out like Laissez-Faire parents, empathizing children’s emotions, but they would go further, providing with guidance for what to do with that emotion.

 

To give us an idea of how differently above 4 types of parents deal with children’s negative emotions, Bonnie gave below as an example:

 

“Thomas came home one day and with tear in his eyes, when asked “what happened?” he replied ” 我没有被选上小队长”

 

Dismissing parent might respond : 傻孩子, 这有什么好哭的, then they might try to distract him from his sad feeling with other activity.

 

Disapproving parent might respond: 为了这点小事哭, 还是男孩子, 真没出息. If Thomas shouted “you never understand me” and stormed into his room and slammed the door. Disapproving parent might yell back and thread to punish him.

 

Laissez-Faire parent might respond: 宝贝儿, 你一定很难过,对不对?(some Laissez-Faire parents might feel  even sadder than their child does) Hey, do you like ice cream? or dumpling? or toy? Mommy takes you there.

 

Emotional-Coaching parents would response something like this: ”You must feel very disappointed not be elected, it must be very hard for you as you have been wanted be elected so badly” (empathizing his feeling). “Can you tell me why you want to be elected?” (based on his answer, asked if we can come up a alternative activity so that Thomas could have the same /similar experience as if he was elected), if he is in the right mood, then ask “Maybe we can figure a way and see what you can do differently next time around”(guide him to develop problem-solving skills). We should also let children understand the concept that despite our effort and hard-work, sometime things do not always turn out the way we want them to be. So when we plan something, we should come up with different plans, if plan A doesn’t work, go plan B, or even plan C, etc. By practicing these often, our children could gradually develop the ability to accept the failure and disappointment as fact of life and view failure as experience of learning, rather than view failure as end of the world.

 

You can see that neither Emotion-Coaching parents try to ignore or deny their kids’ feelings, nor do they belittle or ridicule their children for their emotional expression. They serve as their children’s guides through the world of emotion. They go beyond acceptance to set limits on inappropriate behavior and teach their kids how to regulate their feelings, find appropriate outlets, and solve problems.

 

Why Emotional Coaching parenting is important? You may ask.

Dr. Gottman's research demonstrated that emotion-coached children

* Are able to regulate their emotional states

* Are better at soothing themselves when they are upset

* Could calm down their hearts faster after something upsetting happens

* Relate better to other people, even in tough situations like getting teased in middle school

* Are better at understanding people

* Have better friendships with other children

* Are better in school situations that require academic performance

Below is the excerpt from Dr. Gottman's book

 

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When mothers and fathers use a coaching style of parenting, their children become more resilient. The kids who are Emotion-Coached still get sad, angry, or scared under difficult circumstances, but they are better able to soothe themselves, bounce back from distress, and carry on with productive activities. In other words, they are more emotionally intelligent.

 

Emotion Coaches teach their children strategies to deal with life’s ups and downs. They don’t object to their children’s displays of anger, sadness, or fear. Nor do they ignore them. Instead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of life and they use emotional moments as opportunities for teaching their kids important life lessons and building closer relationships with them.

 

Practicing Emotion Coaching does not mean all family arguments will cease, that there will be no more harsh words, no more bruised feelings, no more sadness or stress. Conflict is a fact of family life. Still, once you start using Emotion Coaching, you will probably feel yourself growing closer to your children. And when your family shares a deeper intimacy and respect, problem between family members will seem lighter to bear.

 

And finally, Emotion Coaching does not mean an end to discipline. Indeed, when you and your children are emotionally close, you are even more invested in their lives and can therefore assert a stronger influence. You’re in a position to be tough when toughness is called for. When you see your children making mistakes or slacking off, you call them on it. You’re not afraid to set limits. You’re not afraid to tell them when they’ve disappointed you, when you know they can do better. And because you have an emotionally bond with your children, your words matter. In this way, Emotion Coaching may help you guide and motivate your kids.

 

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I hope by now you probably get some idea of EQ parenting. I think all of us have had this kind of experience: after attending a parenting conference or seminar or reading a parenting book, we feel it does make some sense, and eagerly try to put it into practice, but it just doesn’t come natural to us when we try to use it, or it is even harder when you find your child repeatedly misbehaver, your emotion surged, and forgot all about what you have learn. Sounds familiar, right?

 

I firmly believe that the 1st step of adopting any new parenting approach is ‘evaluation’, read Dr. Gottman’s book “Raising An Emotional Intelligent Child”, then ask yourself “Does that approach in line with my principle and value? By practicing that approach, does it foster the qualities I want my child to have?” Once you truly believe it is important to you and your child to practice that approach, 2nd step is your ‘commitment’. It needs your deliberate effort and constantly reexamine your interaction with your child, what works, what doesn’t work, what you would do differently next time, what can you do to prevent it from happening. The journey won’t be easy and there will be a lot bumps on the road, but as long as you are on the right track and making progress(even it is little tiny one) along the way, you should give yourself a pat on the back. When your child grows up and become a decent human being with integrity and compassion, that would the best gift ever you can give to your child and to yourself.

 

Before I end this writing, I would like to share one small experience I had with my son. It happened this week. My son Aaron(7 years old) was sick with fever on Tuesday and I took day off and stayed home with him, he really enjoyed staying home with me. On Tuesday night, we told Aaron that we will see how he does tomorrow morning before we make decision if he can go back to school. Next morning, I was at downstairs when Aaron came down, he told me “Mommy, my throat still hurts. now what? Am I staying home today?” I asked him “How do you feel? Tired, or still sleepy”. “No” Aaron said, then immediately followed “Yes, I’m still tired”. “Am I staying at home today?” he asked again. “Let me check your temperature” I took him back to bed to check his temperature. “Oh, good, no fever, you can go back to school today, I am glad you are getting better. Go and get dress. I am going down to make breakfast” I gave him a hug and went downstairs. After few minutes, he was still not down, I went up to his bed and he was still under the comforter, I thought he went back to sleep. Then I opened the comforter and found he was sobbing, I realized he must be unprepared for returning back to school. I took him close to me “You wanted to stay at home with mommy, right?” Aaron nodded and still sobbing, my son rarely cries, he must be very upset I thought to myself. “Aaron, mommy knows how you feel. When mommy was at your age, sometime, I wanted to stay home too. You wanted to stay home with mommy, and mommy wanted to stay with you too, because mommy loves you SO MUCH.” Aaron seems listening, I paused, then continued “But mommy needs to go to work, and if you are not sick, you need to go back to school too. How about we do this: I am going to pick you up earlier today, then we do things together, okay?” his sobbing seems under control now. I kissed him and gave me a warm hug. “Let’s go and get dress”. By the time, he was having breakfast, he was laughing and talking to his daddy. I told my husband what just happen upstairs and what I’ve applied from what I learn from EQ parenting.

 

It is truly amazing that if we validate our child’s emotion and show our empathy and unconditional love, we can use this moment as an opportunity to be close together. I am a firm believer that EQ parenting is based on a sound adherence to universal changeless principles, not just strategies or techniques. If we keep practicing, reexamining and practicing, gradually and eventually we will get handle of it. Bonnie shared one of her personal experience. Compare with most girls, boys tend to be less sensitive or less aware of others’ feeling and emotion. Use Bonnie’s word, her son 少了根经(lack awareness of others’ feeling and emotion), after her many years of conscious effort and practicing EQ parenting, one day when Bonnie couldn’t find her new iPhone and 很着急, and searched everywhere in the house, her husband said “Don’t worry, it would come out someday”, her daughter was busy with her homework, guess who was the only one who joined her searching mission, her son— the last person she could think of, it was very surprising to her. After found iPhone, Bonnie asked her son, why did he help her to search? “因为我看您很着急” her son replied. When Bonnie talked about this, I could see she almost choked and was very emotional. There is no word to express how the wonderful feeling it is when you see your years of effort are finally making positive influence on your child.

 

 

I will write another email later to share my personal EQ parenting experience. By no means do I master EQ parenting, I am just at the beginning of my long parenting journey and enjoy every bit of it.

 

 Looking forward to hearing your view and experience on EQ parenting.